Monday, March 20, 2006

Do You Realize How Much You're Adored?!?!

So, a lot's happened since I last posted....and when I posted, I didn't share a whole lot about how I have really been under "spiritual attack" the past few weeks. I had just been feeling inadequate...unworthy...I have a pretty low opinion of myself usually (body image, self image, etc...) so it's always been hard for me to really believe that I am worthy of my Savior's love. Well, remember that Lisa Whelchel book I shared a little about last time? Yep, I'm going to share more about how much my Father spoke to me through that book.

Thursday at PT practice, when we were all done practicing, something came up about the special program we were having Sat. night. They're called "The Experience" because I don't think they really know what to call themselves, but think really rockin' praise & worship, with a few skits & then a speaker at the end, all ending with the rockin' music...Anyways, they came last year, and the speakers weren't really that great...I admit it, but the music & overall evening was so cool & such an awesome opportunity to share the gospel, that we invited them back (and, if I had all the time in the world, I would go deeper into all of that with you, but it's mostly a bunch of "inside church" stuff, if you know what I mean, and it would bore you!! LOL) Anyways, a couple of the PT members piped up about how they really weren't looking forward to this on Sat. night, and they didn't feel comfortable asking other people to come because the speakers last year weren't really great...So, I left practice more than a little defeated & discouraged than I came...I decided that I wanted a cookie from Fazoli's, so decided to run through the drive through...well, there was a line there, so I thought, "hmmm, Okay, Steak N' Shake, then..." but there was a line there, too...So, then I decided I'd go over the overpass & get 2 cookies for $.99 at Arby's (I like their cookies best, anyways, and they're cheaper than my other options, right?) Well, as I was pulling onto 202, the next light was red, but turned green, so I didn't come to a complete stop...only problem was, the car in front of me hadn't started moving yet...I had been looking down, relying on my peripheral vision, and didn't catch that traffic was stopped, still, and I slammed on my breaks, but didn't keep me from popping into the guy in front of me...No one was hurt, Praise the Lord!!, but I did some damage to his & my car. A lady in front of that guy called the police on her cell, so after the police got there, we all pulled into Wendy's parking lot...I cannot tell you how awful & like scum I felt. I still feel really bad about it, and very stupid. And, I am my worst critic...you can't call me any names I don't already believe I am, ya know? So, I'm trying to keep it all together, and I did get cited (duh, it was my fault, and I wasn't trying to cover it up), but King thinks the cop gave me a break...it was a speeding violation, and it was unsafe distant...the fine's $100, and believe me, I've had tickets in my past that were more than that...Anyways, we've got collision insurance on the van, too, so that'll get fixed, and the other cars are taken care of, too...

So, needless to say, I didn't get my cookies...Friday was spent feeling guilty & like scum some more, and let me tell you, I have never felt as unlovable as I did Friday morning/early afternoon...When Princess went down for her nap (she was NOT in the van with me, Praise the Lord, again!!), I decided I'd finish reading that Lisa Whelchel book...Do you know that the last 2-3 chapters are all about how much her Heavenly Father adores her, even though she feels like the biggest screw up in the world? I just started bawling as I read it all... I knew in my head all the times and all the words, "I love you, Mandy, I adore you, Mandy" but I just called out, "I know, but I really need to feel Your love right now!!" I think I even called out this prayer, without really even realizing it...

Okay, now, let me tell you a little something some of you might not know about me...I am really into Christian Contemporary music, but my heart is really in Southern Gospel because that's where my musical roots are. I believe listening to all that 4-part haromony at such a young age taught us (Daisy & I both) how to harmonize, and pick it out so well...Anyways, I LOVE the Gaither Vocal Band!! One of our first dates was a Gaither Homecoming at UD & I had my picture taken with Guy Penrod!! :) We always got really nosebleed kinda seats, because they're cheaper, and you do get up and walk around some...I had forgotten that the Gaither Homecoming concert was Friday night...we hadn't gotten tickets, so we weren't planning on going. Actually, King had tried to win tickets from a local radio station, but had failed, so we never really gave it another thought. Well, I didn't...King left work early (he said he was going to surprise me with that on Fri. anyway), but he decided to drive all the way to X to register to win these tickets again...

After I got done praying that prayer, King calls me on his way back to X...He says, "Mandy, I won!!" I asked, "Won what?!?!" Yep, you guessed it...He won 2 tickets to the Gaither concert that night!! He says, "And, you'll never guess where they're at!!" These were floor seats, 10 rows from the stage!! I just started bawling, and praising God!! That's when it hit me, that He adores me so much more than I'll ever really know. He cares about me so much, even when I am stupid & clumsy & unlovable!! You know, it wasn't about the tickets for me, it was that He knew just how to speak to my heart, just how to let me know how much he adores me...When we walked down the Nutter stairs to the floor seats, Jeff & Sherri Easter were singing & they were SO CLOSE, I just started crying again, because I knew my Father loved me so much, He cared so much that I knew how much he adores me...I'm such a Daddy's Girl!!

I'm crying again, as I type all this out...I don't think I can ever really find the words to express how deeply I've felt Him this past few days. How much I feel adored & loved. And, do you know that He loves you just as much? He ADORES you!! No matter what you've done, what kind of stupid, silly, serious mistakes you've made...He adores you...Read John 3:16 if you don't believe me...

Goodnight, Journal Goddesses, and all you lurkers or people who "stumbled" across this journal entry...Let me just say, you're not reading this by accident or coincidence...My Father wants you to know how much he adores, you, too :)

5 comments:

Kelley said...

That was such a beautiful journal entry!!!

There are many days that I feel like scum and today of all days, I've been stressing about my parent coming up to visit, Pita Pocket's party, me not going to the gym, my parent's coming up (have I mentioned that) and when I read your journal....I realize that it doesn't matter what happens during the party or the visit or my appearance, but what matters is my relationship with God!
Thanks Mandy! I really needed that today!!!!
Lots of Love!

Jodi said...

This is funny....because I was just thinking this morning...actually the Holy Spirit was whispering to me in that little Holy Spirit way...and it's humbling to the core when you finally grasp or catch a glimpse of how much the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE cares about you and about me and our seemingly trivial lives. Humbling isn't a strong enough word for how I feel when God's love pours over unworthy ole me. So it's funny that you journal about this because it's just a confirmation of my mediation on the drive to work this morning....GOD IS SOOOOO GOOD!!!

It makes ya wonder why we can't seem to stay focused on that thought all the time! Life and that stinking devil get in the way that's why! grrr...

and YYAYAYAYAY about King winning the tickets...that is so cool! I've been slowly teaching Jimmie who the Gaithers are lol...we watch the Homecoming things on tv occassionally (in small intervals - he can't sit and watch people sing for hours lol)...It's so foreign to me that he wasn't raised with the same appreciation of music that we have been...

anyways....wonderful entry as always...sorry about the whole car accident thing...I have 2 words for you though...."Just Kiddin"...remember that's what I said as we crashed into a curb so many years ago? lol...it happens! Get over it!

Love you...sorry we'll miss your mom's party! But I'm sure you've gathered that with sister coming down here we won't be able to make it....give her a birthday hug for us!

megan h said...

That was a very beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes here at work. You have a very beautiful way with words. I am so happy that you got tix to the concert and that it was such a blessing for you.

Sorry about the car accident, but I am glad that you are safe and nothing serious happened. I have been in that situation and I know it sucks. But just remember God is loving and protecting.

Sara said...

You also brought tears to my eyes reading that. Not only b/c you've been feeling so badly about yourself, but just how the Lord proved you wrong. I'm sorry about the accident. I'd probably have started bawling right there!

How great that King won tickets to the Gaithers!!!! That's awesome! Hope you're feeling better now!

Love ya!

girlie_mom said...

I have been feeling down lots lately too. I also have felt God's undeserving love the past few days. I know it is so hard to really see the good when there is soo much bad, but we are all good in God's eyes. When I was younger I used to say the God saw us through "Jesus Glasses"...That has stayed with me everyday. Thank you for your post it puts so much into perspective.

Sorry about the accident. Yea!!! for the tickets.

Lots of love!

Angela